Any of my friends could tell you that my favorite television show is NBC’s “30 Rock.” The adventures of Liz Lemon & Jack Donaghy have, for at least 4 people myself included, provided a level of escapism like no other comedy on the air. The show is, at its best, a multi-layered pop culture satire that weaves endearing characters and zany off-kilter comedy together in brilliant ways. A few weeks ago, I decided to pay tribute to the show by creating the following list.
This list was created with the help of several IMDB users as a conversation about some of our favorite quotes from the hit television series. I took all the quotes and re-appropriated them as “life lessons” that only “30 Rock” could provide.
“30 Rock,” stars Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Jack McBrayer, Tracy Morgan, Jane Krakowski, Scott Adsit, and Judah Friedlander. All rights are reserved by NBC Universal.
Let us work on our night cheese, and enjoy:
100. Never go with a hippie to a second location
99. Put potato chips on a sandwich
98. Hugging is ethnic
97. Prostitutes work under bridges
96. Smelling like old gym bags and rotting vegetables will guarantee you a seat on the subway
95. Nothing is impossible, except for dinosaurs
94. Choosing is a sin
93. Manatee is the most dangerous game (to hunt)
92. It’s never too late for now
91. It’s still legal to drive when you’re business drunk
90. Sometimes fat suits smell like corn chips
89. Ronald Reagan liked jelly beans
88. The best time to celebrate a co-workers birthday if it falls on the weekend, is the Friday before at lunch
87. Some trees in New York are Jewish
86. Marky Mark hates unicorns
85. Medicine is not a science
84. Humans want food but do not need it
83. Meat keeps the spine straight
82. We have no way of knowing where the heart is. It’s different for every person
81. Bags have genitals
80. Slankets are good for suppressing farts
79. The best way to lose respect as an actor, is to do television
78. You can’t cook with Gatorade
77. Sometimes you have to do the right thing, even if the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. Die werewolf zombie.
76. Some people swear to Kabbalah monster.
75. Crystal meth is a perfectly valid solution to weight loss, but only if you don’t care about tooth retention.
74. Always wear a tuxedo after 6PM, unless you’re a farmer.
73. Don’t think too hard about cupcakes. Sara Lee, frozen, unbelievable.
72. You take a hot dog, stuff it with some jack cheese, fold it in a pizza: you’ve got cheesy blasters!
71. Cleveland is never going to get an IKEA.
70. There are 3 kinds of women in life: uggos, crazies, and bailers
69. If you need to get out of an awkward conversation: stop, drop, and roll
68. The best Indian food restaurant in Boston is called “O’Doyles”
67. Halliburton owns everything
66. Vodka is an excellent substitute for water in an air purifier
65. When a child doesn’t see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
64. Numbers, unlike children, do not lie
63. You should always have a patsy at work (“It was Jorgensen’s fault”)
62. It’s okay to stay at the buffet, even if you have pooped your pants
61. Men need alcohol
60. There ain’t no party like a Liz Lemon party, coz a Liz Lemon party is mandatory
59. A McFlurry is the best dessert ever
58. The hill witch will eat your brains if you don’t eat your vegetables
57. You can get coffee in the basement of a K-Mart
56. Trix can cling to the fibers of sleeves
55. Angels can be high-fived, awesomely
54. If your husband says the name of his brother while you’re having sex, that’s a dealbreaker.
53. Flashing your boobs to a security guard will get you into the White House.
52. Squirrels are not afraid of people.
51. Coffee is the devil’s temperature.
50. Being touched by Oprah makes you sacred to women.
49. Gas leaks can cause hallucinations, revelation of secrets, telling of truths, flashbacks, headaches, nostalgia.
48. You must wear blue and yellow on Leap Day
47. Mickey Rourke is a sex maniac
46. Soda can lids are rodent bathrooms
45. Avante Domani means “Remember your Mother” in Spanish
44. Freaky Deakies need love too
43. Sometimes all you need is a 3rd heat
42. Sometimes you have to change things that are perfectly good just to make them your own
41. Relationships are like sharks: If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse then something’s wrong
40. This country has 600 million kidneys
39. There are countries that only rich people know about (Grenyarnia, Svenborgia)
38. There are no bad ideas in brainstorming
37. Do not use a simpleton as a therapist, lest you cause a chain reaction of mental anguish
36. A woman’s brain has fewer folds than a man’s
35. Evolution makes men promiscuous even when they’re eighty
34. Wearing Men’s watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam’s apple.
33. Money can’t buy happiness. It IS happiness.
32. Learn as little as you can. ‘Cause when you know things, people ask you to do things.
31. Do a sloppy job, and people will leave you alone.
30. Life is about taking control, not being afraid, and never looking back. Like if a Frankenstein is behind you at a sex party.
29. When you have sex in exchange for a business deal, it’s called “being a filthy prostitute”
28. Objects are useful, but you do not LOVE them
27. The only thing that will cure ice cream headaches is sex on a motorcycle
26. Toys come alive when your back is turned
25. Werewolf bar mitzvahs are spooky and scary
24. Kim Jong Il was the greatest waiter of all time
23. When there’s talking in the middle of a song, you know it’s important
22. Bill O’Reilly writes erotic novels
21. Siri is much more than an assistant on your iPhone…
20. Unfortunately there’s no field of medicine that deals with the brain
19. You really should live every week like it’s Shark Week
18. The Pope owns Long John Silvers
17. The marketing holy trinity is made up of: college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals
16. Catching a snowflake on your tongue is a signal in Chelsea
15. Heel-toe. Heel-toe.
14. Every time you meet a new person, you should figure out how to fight them
13. The church of Practicology was invented by the alien king living inside of Stan Lee
12. The Japanese Porn Star diet consists of eating only paper, but as much as you want
11. Women past the age of 35 are more likely to get mauled at the zoo than get married
10. You get spanked at Business School for doing a good job
09. Every body needs a little meth
08. Flying is as simple as pressing “take off,” then “auto pilot,” then “land.”
07. Sleeping on Planes exposes you to the possibility of being “incepted”
06. Only Terrorists say “Happy Holidays.”
05. Generation Y never votes. It interferes with talking about themselves all the time.
04. Chances are if you know someone that went to Harvard, they’re smart and superb at masturbation
03. Centipeding means having sex with a hundred women
02. Recent studies have shown that while pregnancy is disgusting, babies do not need tar or nicotine
01. Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.
I hope you’ve enjoyed the list. You can catch 30 Rock on Thursday nights on NBC. The final season begins in October. Rock on!